French

rule the world.they create the cinema. enough said.

if you dont like to be ruled by the French, get out of the world and go to erm…the MOON? haha..NASA experts (YES im talking to you YOU know WHO YOU ARE) please enlighten me on a very enlightening subject.=)

I did french FILM STUDIES yesterday…and now i would never be able to sit through a film the same way i did/do. Art films kill your brains. thats why commercial films like LEGALLY BLONDE are so cool hahaha =P

Brainless entertainment is the hardest to find in Edinburgh. =)

And you know… i wish i never did film studies or study languages or art or sciences or math or whatevernot. i wish i didnt understand.

For you. Who is such a fan of the man. stop being so obsessed.

Check out THE C.S LEWIS SONG by Brooke Fraser.

Lord im sorry i cant believe you…i do not think i deserve pc at all. how can i deserve him…he will have so many girls at his feet to choose from, prettier, smarter, nicer, funnier, more emotional controlled than i will ever be, and he will find happiness in one of them, not me. i am, so, wretched…i do not deserve such a man

lord…stop…stop telling me to believe…im so so sorry!

My child, he will be by your side one day. He will be. he will be yours. you both will be together. but. the road ahead is winding, narrow, foggy, uncertain, changing, long, painful. are you willing to walk that road my child? Love on this earth is just as hard to fathom. you will learn to love him again, this time the right kind of love that i will provide and protect. he will learn to love you the way hes meant to as God loves the church and church is meant to be loved by Me. My dear child, are you doubting the very words you are visualising? are you not trusting the Great I am? are you playing whatifs in your mind… believing that you will never find a Love that you deserve? oh dear child, I love You. I send My Son to die for you on the Cross, and i know your path, your thoughts, your words and your actions. I’m in control. will you believe me then, peter caisley, will learn to love you as much as you have to learn to love him? you take your heart back, but what if you are to give it away one more time.? this time i will guide you christine, i will tell you the time, the place, the reason, the way to do it. you will never have to go through the dark nights alone. didnt the moon guide your path to his house that night, didnt the love you have for him still exist no matter how you deny it. your heart is yours christine. you dont have to give away your heart to love him. you will get to talk to him and he will, i know he will listen even though he may not want to. you will get to ask your questions, you will get to give a letter to him even if you dont have the chance to talk and he will read. choose your words wisely when you write that. i will guide you but you have to be obedient and sensitive to the Spirit. Christine, lay all your shames, all your embarrassments in front of My Throne now. Right now. You are not forgiven my dear, because theres nothing to forgive. your motives were so pure, how can you be accused for it. but. if you feel as if you should be ashamed, i will be ashamed of you. do not deny your actions. the letter for peter, he was meant to receive it. it is foreboding what will happen in the future. do not deny it, but deny indeed that you mean it. because you didnt. you didnt know what you were doing but I know. so do not be ashamed. DO NOT.

I will give your strength, courage, endurance, love, encouragement, friends, time to reach My goals for you. you will pass your exams if you continue to study hard. you must study harder than you are now. you will be given concentration and less distractions if you ask for it. you will be given discipline if you ask for it as well. my dear child, my Beloved, you are snow, never, can someone leave a mark so deep on snow it will last. I, I your LORD HUSBAND in heaven, will wash away all dark spots, blemishes you will have. please my dear, take care of yourself and listen to My guidance through the Holy Spirit all the time and be patient and have self-control.

You will be trained, you will be given tests, but you will pass them I know. you will not love any other man but the man I choose, so be patient. It will happen. Believe it! The timing though, is in My hands. you will not know. But trust and you will not, never, led astray.

My dear, now, take a shower, calm yourself down and start studying. Pray before you start. always pray before your start. and I will be with you, all the way.

The long march

I’m terribly sorry i’ve abandoned my promise to keep this blog updated. It’s due to pure laziness, refusal to blog depressing, skin-gnawling thoughts and the dreadful thought of mundaneness dominating this space. Oh whatever it was, i’ve decided to come back, at this unearthly hour.

Today was almost melancholic and subtly depressing. The workload(which i’ve let piling and now shudders in horror of having to  complete everything the next 2 weeks) aside, it’s always the people that i find depression looms. How huh?

I think i have not a single close friend here in this wonderful school. How is that possible that i can call it wonderful? In all things we must find the silver lining, in all things praise the Lord and give thanks in prayers and petition. And so , i do as such.

At this moment the worries of work are finally catching up on me. I’ve only managed to unsatisfactorily complete EE, and the rest of the IAs are now in shambles. I’ve got lots to do edit for EE,although i have to put it aside for the moment to finish all other IAs. The next coming week just promises a string of work to be completed, including draft 2 world lit 2, TOK essay(both are in bad shape), a mountain of history notes to devour and Huckfinn, Sidd to digest. I’m most daunted by the 2 english tests, especially the latter on Fri on set texts.My one and only aim is not break down in cold sweats, burst in tears or any other forms of hysterical behavior due to frustration and stress. I have God. Yes, i cant do it but God can and therefore i will be able to!

The best thing about this week is rediscovering God. I’m going through the book “knowing God” a chapter a day now. I’ve resolved to acknowledge the presence of the Lord in my life and follow Him despite past failures and mistakes now. I’ve ignored him for so long it is almost impossible to call oneself a christian. But i really desire to know him, to walk in his truth and his light, to soak up his goodness and reciprocate with obedience and faithful service to Him. I’ve got too many intolerable habits to change, too many diseases of the heart to cure, and only in submission to my God I can have the strength to overcome them. IB is a mountain, and Lord, I will climb.I’m not giving up, not yet!!!

Prayer Christine, God is just a prayer away.

19

As you age, the excitement of birthdays seem to fade…or maybe it’s the circumstances of the year that makes it all pretty subtle for this year.

I’m 19.Yay.I’m a year older.Bleah.One more year till the big 2-oh.Let’s not think about it.

Here’s a list of thanksgiving for God’s providence in the past 19 years…even before i accepted Christ I think His guiding hands had been working in my life.

I thank God for a wonderful loving family who love me, care for me and stand by me despite all my despicable attitudes and irritating habits.

I thank God for his blessing of friends who, although i have been a lousy friend to, did not despise but encourage me rejoice in my celebration.

I thank God for the material blessings that i have taken granted for.

I thank God for abilities…its time You help me to use them Lord.

I thank God for life, help me to live it to the fullest treasuring each moment i have and live it joyfully for your purpose.

Okie.Today had been quite a day.Primers council, springroll “cake”, japanese dinner and chocolate dessert. I’m blissfully satisfied and contented. Thanks to my sis,Jed and everyone who have remembered my bday. Its insignificant but you remember, thank you.

As simple as it should be

Hello there

This page must have gather cobwebs and multiple layers of dust for the past few..months? Anyway, I’m back!Although i cant promise i’ll update regularly, i do promise one thing: it will not be as depressing as it has been. I’m asking God to help me stay optimistic and focused.

Anyway, I’m quite reluctant to part with my old layout…because i simply love its orange-craziness!On the other hand, I want to do away with the black background…too depressing my for my liking at the moment.

A few quick notes before i dive into the worlds of Hedda Gabler and Miss Julie.

• I’m an older sister!!Oh my, can you believe it!!Im 19 and i’m an older sister for the very first time. Too bad i wont be able to see him till end of the year.And he hasnt had a name…yet.Apparently, my little stepbro weighs 2.9kg at birth and was too active in his mother’s womb causing the umblical cords to tangle his neck so he had to come out before it strangled him..loll.
• As of date, my EE draft 1 is done, my TOK essay draft 1 is done, my TOK ppt is done…a lot more to be done but i feel as though God is telling me i will make it through this year.
• Ive been seeking God regularly…and my repeating issue has been somehow resolved.God wants me to push..even if that means dying for some of the subs…He just wants me to try and He will give me strength!
• I need a ministry to serve..and i’m seeking God for that now.
• I’m FAT…and im serious…

To die is to gain

so i should die.

Blasphemy that would be i know

Insanity is approaching.

Flee-

I told you so.Good bye. Good bye.Good bye

Obsession

I cant believe the fact that i’m almost 19 and still as immature and childish and irresponsible as a 9 year old girl-possibly worse.

No one comes here now to visit, which means I can say whatever i want to say here, without even thinking of about him reading it. I often thought of last year and how we could be attracted to each other..how did that happen Lord? Please let me let go now of all that…of whatever that I have to leave behind….those memories belong to the past, and i shouldn’t hold on to them any longer.

Ms Chia was so straigthforward it shocked me.At least now, my conscience is clear.Friends and Officer-primer.

Oh Lord my God, i’m just drifting day by day and not living a life glorifying You. You have been so merciful and your grace has abounded where redemption was thought impossible. I want to run to You Lord, for strength and determination to go on…and to realise how blessed I am….and how sinful I am too.Lord, Ive neglected You, running away from you and the responsibilities of being Your daughter. Bring me back Lord…to your arms…where i know i can find refuge and strength, and redemption and grace.

I’m ugly and fat and …stupid? How do i blossom to be the woman You want me to be?

So it seems

My periodical visit into the valley of emotions started yesterday. I wonder how long the visit will be this time.Normally, its always extended beyond the period. 

I cried hard after posting yesterday’s entry.I dont wish to ever read that post again. it haunts me…and to know almost every single word of it is true…hurts… stop christine…slaps yourself out of this.Slaps.

Who comes here to read this ? Who comes to read this threads of pessimisms…i wonder who would bother.. I know i dont advertise my blog, because the nature of it isnt for anyone to see or visit…too much of emotional stuff in here. On the other hand , i cant help it that i want someone to read…someone who actually cares.

My parents are back.My dad just told me another truth today, not that i have not already known, its just i never seem to remember.My emotional so-called turmoil is all made up by myself.Its all in the head….indeed

My life…a mess…an absolute letdown of God’s creation.If he creates me for a purpose…and yes, he has bigger plans for me than i have for myself…but…but….how? 

Self-esteem once lost is a treasure to be found. Mine is lost long ago…and  i need to find it back…i need to find it…my dear dear self-esteem…where are you? 

Invisible

I spent about 30 minutes reading through eryn’s blog entries. I must say, i never knew she had..at a time in her life, felt the same way as i do,a different situation altogether, but the same feelings and emotions nonetheless. i wish i could pen my thoughts and describe my emotions as she did…Eryn was someone i admire a lot…in fact i admire all the girls in my class…it’s just God’s plan i’m the stupidest, least talented among all of the powerful/talent-abound friends that i have…

I spent 4 hours in the library today without knowing  why i was there or what good was i doing among those rows of books, in the silence, among the academically able and inclined…among the academics…the tonnes of books and knowledge feeders and not able to digest a single piece of info except for the tiny fact that i need to do read up more on winston churchill somehow.

I want to vent this out so much, i want to possess the ability to describe the emotions i feel, the wretching loneliness i feel, the guilt and the emotional dismal towards God.I havent praised Him…did I ever at all earnestly seek him and praise Him for who HE IS?

HAVE I EVER CHANGED AT ALL AFTER KNOWING CHRIST?

An outcast.That’s what I am now blog.Thats who i am now God.And i realise, that has always been who i am/was

since when did i have fun with a group of friends(before acs) laughed myself to death, love  my friends to bit, care more about something else rather than my studies which are just of average standards despite my effort?

An outcast. An invisible figure drifting through the realm of this world without any significance to anyone.I dont have a friend.I dont.I dont have a friend whom i can trash to and whom i can go crazy with.wait.when did i ever go crazy.when?When was i a good friend to anyone? When did i make time for someone and genunely care?actually…yes i did but no, never was i considered someone to be around with. A bestfriend? I’ve lost them..was i ever considered someone’s bestfriend?

The loner’s life sucks dont u know.But what am i to do to change this?After a year, and i feel incredibly left out from the class.Bonds are supposed to be formed, while mine are broken to milliards of thousands of pieces, with minimal chance of particles ever colliding again to create bonds.I know my mistakes.I know.So great was  my pride, and so deep now is my fall. God is incredibly merciful all the time, wonderfully gracious..but…i dont even deserve this grace and love from him. I walk to school everyday with a dreadful thought of how the day will unfold, knowing i will be as insignificant, as invisible as i had been from yesterday.I walked into classes without any joy, expectations or knowledge and eagerness to learn. I want to learn..but my brain never seems to register anything…and i could neither participate in class nor could i do the homework without much pain and dissatisfaction knowing ive turned in mostly rubbish.

Here i am Lord, in the school i was dreaming about/wishing of/aiming for 2 years ago.Here I am lord, mingling with the people I once prayed for to have a chance to meet and know.Here i am lord, 2 years on, miserable and invisible, hated and despised, ignored and trambled on…at the bottomless pit of the school…the uniform..the logo..the name..the people..yeah..”mm…ACS..not bad ah..” indeed..not bad huh, i beg your pardon.

I spent the whole of the hols doing my ee, forgoing mission to do EE, and…it was rejected. now, restarting it makes me feel as though i’ve made all the wrong decisions i could possibly make in the world.I left choir, and leaving behind too the bonds with rachel and eryn over something of a common interest. I love music a lot.i love choral music…and then, here i am …no longer qualified to even comment on anything choir-related.

I used to visit her blog because of my interest her being someone close to him before and knowing him.Curiosity kills the cat?No really..i learnt quite a lot from her just reading through her blog…and i understand why she could be easily loved and adored.Was it jealousy? was it envy? was i that immature? the answer is yes to all. Her life is not multidimensional, it is interesting, and it is fulfilling.She loves God, loves life and loves the people around her.Do i? Christine Lek, do u? Do you love God with all your heart and all your mind?Do you care at all for the people around you or have u been, from your birth till now, a selfish spoilt ungrateful wretch of person?Have you not then, deserved to be left here alone to figure out why you look at people with friends and loved ones with a longing and envy…you look at those  who love God and His cross with a longing to do the same but yes…how…yes when and God…

My QT undone…my prayers short…i dont event know how to describe the state of my prayers…thats how bad my english has become….and how will i complete 2 world lit assignment, 4000 word ee, tok essay and presentation?

I’m supposed to devote my time to my studies and this is all i could think of. I want to go back to 2007…i would have changed many things…but..here i go 2008, i’m 19..and…i’m useless…incapable of so many things..including taking care of myself.

I’m sorry.But what does saying sorry do? nothing…absolutely nothing…waste of breathe, waste of time.But i still am.For growing up to be such a unlovable person.

Is the sight of me so unbearable you have to turn away?

When will you stop wallowing self-pity, stand up, get your butt moving and start living a life for God christine? when?????